HE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOOS NEST AGAIN

Last fall my sister and I were driving in the car together and were stopped at an intersection waiting to make a left turn. Suddenly I looked to my left and saw this old dude literally humping a shopping cart he had filled with soda bottles and cans. I screamed to my sister, omg, Alex, look!!! Hes humping his cart!! We looked at each other in disbelief laughing our asses off. "No one will believe us" I said, with that I grabbed my camera from my bag and filmed it. "Hes totally humping his shopping cart- wait- is he?" "YESS!!! He is" Alex said.
You'd think that things like that only happen once in a lifetime, right? No way, my friends- not in my world. You should know by now that every freak and their mother eventually cross paths with me. Which brings me to this morning. I was cleaning my room and happened to look out my window for a second, and guess who was fifty feet away? OLD MAN HUMP! He was equipped with his overloaded cart of empty soda bottles and all. But this time, his jeans were at his ankles and he was peeing in the middle of the sidewalk in front of my neighbors house. I was speechless and my body froze. Sure ive seen people do that at night when they are stranded, drunk or just crazy but, we are talking broad daylight on a quiet block in a religious neighborhood. Rest assured, I did not capture this on film, I will just forever remember his huge belly hanging over his stretched out grey boxer briefs and his faded blue jeans at his ankles in my own private scarred archives.

I just dont understand why I am always witnessing severely disturbing things in plain view. Most people credit seeing a roach or a mouse as the scariest thing to happen to them. Not me, no way. I remember when I was in elementary school there was a rumor that there was a mouse on the loose in school.( I am terrified of mice and any other kind of vermin or foreign pet.) Like- id rather get a root canal than see a mouse roaming. I was in Mrs. Levines class, she was the scariest teacher back then. There was no talking in her class, scratch that, there was no breathing in her class. The last mouse sighting was in her class. Anyway, im minding my own business, when suddenly, my head is on the desk when something fell from the ceiling onto my desk. The mouse fell ON MY DESK. A part of me died that day. They sent me to the nurse and made me call my mother because I was so hysterical. This mouse was on my desk, centimeters away from my nose. BLUH UWAALAA:KALQKLSJKLDH.

Another time I was out for dinner with a bunch of friends and was facing the front window of the restaurant looking out onto Lexington Ave. We were all famished and couldnt wait for our food to come. I remember having the fork to my lips when this bum just stopped in front of the restaurant and puked his brains out. This happened in London once too, I was just walking down the street and this wino was chugging his bottle of red wine and the second I was passing him, he uked his brains out and keeled over. I didnt drink wine for 5 years after that one. No joke.

Then, there was the time I was sleeping one morning and woke up from the sound of dry cleaner paper being scrunched up. I found it weird but didnt know where it was coming from and went back to sleep. It got louder and louder. Suddenly I opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling only to find a squirrel sitting in the cove lighting in my bedroom staring at me- head on waiting to pounce. Lemme clarify. Squirrels look cute outside when they are climbing up trees and what not. The are the scariest things ever when they are in your house in your bedroom looking at you. Their tails are like a foot long and this bastards tail was hanging over the molding pretty much laughing at me. He stared at me mexican showdown style and I could hear his inner monologue saying, "oh yeah, what are you gonna do now? you big cry baby?" I ran the hell out of my house in a night gown and high heels that were out from the night before in the dead of winter and refused to move back in until Willard the beast was gone.

Another time I was at a friends house for a tournament. There were like 60 people there. They had a huge Rottweiler that was pacing on the porch. Everyone was on the porch hanging out and watching the people play backgammon. It was really quiet. Suddenly this 150 pound dog corners me where I couldnt escape. It lifted its leg and proceeded to PEE all over my legs and feet. Boiling hot horse pee. Remember this isnt a little shit tsu's tinkle- this dog peed like a race horse. Hot and wet. I screamed and everyone broke into tears from laughter. I cried from shock. Did I mention it was the summer time and I was wearing flip flops? Oh, yeah, it was summer time and I was wearing flip flops.

I guess what im trying to say is that these weird scenarios are constantly making their way to me. Im the one person whos always in the wrong place at the wrong time to witness the grossest things. There must be some kind of freak magnet in me that pulls me into situations like this. Like gd must say, a freak is about to do something really gross and disturbing, lemme make sure shes there to witness it. Im convinced thats the case.

Im attaching the video I took of old man hump for your viewing disturbing/pleasure. Aw, remember when Frou Frou was good??